Love or Codependency: How to Know the Difference?
I love this topic! Wait, maybe I'm codependent on this topic. Oh no. Oh God. I am. Whether you have a love addiction, find yourself in a healthy or codependent relationship, finally had a promising swipe right or are trying to rebuild yourself after being in love addicts anonymous, you will be alright! You have everything already within you to make the first step in placing your own needs above your partner. Every. Single. Time.
Today we're going to dig into foundational components of healthy relationships; signs of codependency & a whole lot in between to help you practice healthy love within yourself and romantic relationships. We are also going to cover some red flags of codependency which may be difficult for those of us with personal experiences including abusive relationships or alcohol addiction.
Healthy relationships
First, let's review a few pivotal foundational pieces of healthy relationships. After working with dozens of families, couples & parents I've learned to never take for granted common knowledge. It's not always common. We often have experienced abandonment, intimate partner violence, witnessed unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship by friends & family members. Thankfully, there's a different way & the following are present in relationships of couples practicing healthy boundaries:
Trust: Why is Trust the Hardest Thing? It helps to find a wrinkle of nuance in the practice of trust. For example, six weeks into an amazing new relationship with nothing but fun times, learning all about their family relationships & (mostly) great sex you find yourself sitting alone at your favorite dive bar wondering if you've been stood up. WTH: 10, 11, a dozen dates?! Why am I still here? I can't believe this is happening. What's wrong with me? They're just like everyone else. I Can't Rely on Anyone. This last bit may be a core belief that's well-earned & has valid reasons to be in your head. There's also a way to bring some nuance to this belief. You may start by thinking, Hmmm, maybe something drastic is happening. Or it could be a total whoops on their end. And maybe they're not that into me (not likely because you're awesome!). A nice nuanced approach to trust may sound like, This sucks & I hope I hear a good reason from them. And I may need to remember they're not always going to get it right. And if they continue to not get it right, I may need to look in another direction. Because I'm worth it.
Effective & Respectful Communication: This one may seem overly simple. It is! It also doesn't make it an easy one. Psychologists Julie & John Gottman devoted their professional lives to studying, interviewing & researching couples to determine what makes romantic partners successful versus not. They formulated a theory on what they called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypses, which indicates components that corrode healthy relationships & make them toxic. One of the most notable pieces I remember from the Gottman's work is that successful couples maintain a strong ratio of compliments versus criticisms at all times. They found that successful couples maintained a nearly 20 to 1 compliment versus criticism even when arguing! I find this incredible & wildly important when remembering to keep communication respectful...even in our most heated moments.
Turn Toward One Another: This is another practice the Gottman's research found showing up in successful couples. This could be as simple as sharing a highlight in your day with your partner or sharing about a traumatic loss in your life. Often, it means we invite our partner to join us even (especially) when we are not feeling connected within the relationship. When both partners are consistently giving opportunities for connection, so many good things can grow!
Authenticity: Honesty didn't quite make the list here, although it certainly is important! When I think of authenticity I'm inferring honesty is part of it. Honesty to ourselves & being genuine in our presentation to our partner is a radical thing. And it's missing all the time.
Keep Your Sense of Self: We all have our own feelings and sense of self. Never forget this. I've seen so many sacrifice their commitment to their development, success and personal growth for the needs of others. Keeping yourself nurtured, recharged and learning are hard enough when we're solo. It's even harder in a relationship. Keep doing you!
Signs of Codependency
Let's define the term codependency. In a broad sense, codependency is the emotional and behavioral condition that creates problems maintaining a healthy relationship. Codependency is not recognized as a mental illness according to The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, however many clinicians regard the commonplace practice to be in consideration for the next revisions. Codependent people are prevalent today & often connected to loneliness. A codependent person often reports continued loneliness even within their relationships. Here are several codependent behaviors and signs:
Relationship Addiction: It's probably a yellow flag (to yield until you learn more) when learning a romantic partner has never been single for more than a minute. I'm not referencing significant streaks of swiping right, but rather the person who is constantly seeking the next relationship minutes after the first ends. The practice of relationship-seeking is not a bad thing! It's very normal & is typically commonplace in all good relationships. Relationship addiction speaks more specifically to the function the relationship serves. It is coveted like a drug & needed. There is no space to exist without it. Often this desperation sets the table for toxic relationships and perpetuates the cycle of codependency.
Placing Partner's Needs Above Own Desire: This is the opposite of what we earlier mentioned regarding keeping your sense of self. Often a sign of codependency is an unbalanced practice of acting on others' needs and not their own. This is often driven by many core beliefs around abandonment, worthiness, lovability & more. Keep an eye our for the codependent partner who is constantly deferring to your needs without acknowledging, communicating & requesting their needs be met too.
Low Self-Esteem: Often when we don't regard ourselves as worthy or lovable, it's tough to articulate our needs to others. This doesn't magically disappear when we enter relationships. If you struggle with low self esteem and self-worth, keep an eye out on how you regard & interact with your partner. You are worthy of enough love, regardless!
Fear of Abandonment: This is a powerful fear that will keep us doing all sorts of nonsense if we think it will keep our partner around. It's not even about the partner being happy. It's just about keeping them here. This could be illustrated by lavish acts of gift-giving, highly-charged emotional swings, hyper-sexualized behaviors, volatility, excessive worry expressed & jealousy.
Lack of Boundaries: These are often learned behaviors and fly in the face of simple things we may take for granted in relationships like space alone, time with friends, taking turns in picking dates, respecting someone's choice not to have sex until ready & many more. Boundaries are perpetually blurry for codependent individuals.
Lot of Attention: Look at me! Keep looking. And we're looking. Still looking. Hey, please keep looking. LOOK.
Excusing Partner's Bad Behavior: There's a common impulse to want to give the benefit of the doubt to our partners. This sense of solidarity may even be a healthy way to show up for our partners at times. When we start excusing bad behavior it's a whole different thing. And it's problematic for us, them & everyone around us. This codependent pattern may even devolve into more serious risks such as intimate partner violence and abuse. *If you are experiencing abuse of any kind, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline HERE. Folks who struggle with codependency often struggle with the concept of loyalty & choose it with dangerous behaviors.
True Love Obsessed: Okay, I've been to Disneyland. Way more times than I care to acknowledge here! True love may be a thing. You may believe it. You may be living it. And the obsession becomes a detrimental mask to our ability to see partners more clearly. And we run the risk of not accepting better for ourselves when believing that we've arrived in love. Love is a verb & takes constant commitments.
Feelings of Insecurity: This can drive folks to not trust themselves or strive for their needs to be met. Often insecurity has been present for a long time & is not easily shaken when applied to a relationship. Spending time in our heads or with too much social media will only feed insecurity. And so will excusing bad behaviors, and placing others' needs above our own. Insecurity will continue to plummet when other codependent traits are happening.
Potential Substance Abuse & Drug Addiction: Early on in psychology & addiction work, codependent tendencies were attributed to drug addicts. Addiction recovery fields linked this practice to a higher prevalence of substance abuse. We know that addiction may connect to these other indicators of codependency.
There's Hope!
Relationships are Tremendously Difficult. There is no blueprint. There is no right or wrong way. What we do know is codependency is not love. And it will corrode relationships that may have started with mutual love, respect and a fighter's chance to make it. And it will cause you pain during and after the relationship. If you need help determining if you are codependent, thankfully there are several things to do next:
Take a step back to examine your meaningful relationships. And romantic ones. What characteristics are/were present? What was not?
Find the courage to take back you! We've already established that you're awesome. Keep investing in yourself in ways that matter to you.
Take a longer break next time. If you find yourself in between partners, challenge yourself to stay solo for a while. Re-center yourself & work on doing things for you.
Reach out to a mental health professional to help change in ways that matter to you.
Find support via Co-Dependents Anonymous. It can be radically empowering to find others struggling like you. You are not alone!
Keep going & searching. First for yourself. Always for yourself. Then find the strength & courage to be open to others.
PS - I'm working on some musical posts that should be out soon. Here's a nice little song by Daniel Johnston called 'True Love Will Find You in the End':
